Halloween is quickly approaching, and that means that soon you’re going to be under tremendous, unrelenting pressure. Your kid is going to need the perfect costume, which is going to have to be cool enough for every other kid to be envious, durable enough to make it through school all day, and then mobile enough to go door-to-door for at least a couple of hours.

How do you find the perfect costume? Does one even exist? Not on this list, that’s for sure.

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I recommend not this one.

On the one hand, it could maybe be a little cute/funny. But on the other hand, you’re definitely setting the bar really low for the rest of her life.

What kind of message is this sending?

Unless the parents thought this was a Canadian leaf — scratch that. Whether or not you know what this is, a leaf is not an adequate costume for a baby.

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I love coordinated costumes!

This, though, is not what I meant. Kermit and Miss Piggy? Yes, please! Cigs and booze? OMG, you’re a terrible influence.